hollow man

I've been lost inside my head
Echoes fall off me 
  

I'm overwhelmed
I'm on repeat
I'm emptied out
I'm incomplete
-------------------------------------

You know when you watch clothes in the dryer and they spin around and around and sometimes they’re all comfy spinning against the outside—still going in circles, but in a familiar pattern and a little more secure--then sometimes they fall out of sync and topple around before getting pulled out again by centrifugal force?

That has been my life the past few weeks. I went from thinking I had a new job that would get me into a new field, and get me away from dealing with people and their problems. It had been a nice thought, and I’d become accustomed to the idea that I was getting out of social work and starting over again in a new city. I tolerated the weeks of uncertainty because all the feedback that I got indicated it would be happening; it was just a matter of when. I had been applying to jobs locally in my field as well, just as backup, but I didn’t really want any of the jobs I applied for.

Then last Wednesday I got a call from a recruiter. The next day I had a phone interview, and the day after that an in person interview. The job would pay well and was in the city, which would cut out my commute (which has been sucking the life out of me) so I went on the interview. I did not think it went well. I spent the weekend stressed over the lack of communication from the job I wanted, and the fact that now if that fell through, I likely didn’t have a backup job because the interview was very close to disaster (including my resume that printed out with track changes and comments on it). Monday morning I got a call from the recruiter offering me the job.

So now I have a job. I don’t really want the job, but I’m supposed to be happy about. Everyone else is excited about it and trying to make me happy about it. I’m relieved that I have the job, and I’m happy about the lack of commute (one bus) and getting to work only weekdays again. But I had the past six weeks to prepare for a brand to new start to my life, a plan full of hope and the opportunities to learn new things and make my way in a new direction. Now I’m back in that dryer, spinning around, headed to a job that is similar to what I’m doing now, and although I’m sure their will be growth and opportunity there as well, it all happened so fast that I’m having trouble processing everything. So now, I feel like I’m having to grieve the loss of that other future and pretend (at other’s insistence) to be happy about a job that I never really wanted.

On top of all that, I don’t really have any closure with the job that I wanted because the man just stopped communicating with me altogether, so I don’t know what happened.  There is the chance that he could still contact me and that job would be an option again, which would throw everything into upheaval. So I think I’m also trying to prevent myself from getting excited about the job I have because I at any moment I could fall out of this new pattern just like the clothes in the dryer and start to tumble around again.  I'm overwhelmed, I'm on repeat, I'm emptied out, I'm incomplete…

broadcast me a joyful noise unto the times, lord

I am constantly amazed at how being surround by screaming people shaking fists in the air and thrashing around can make me so incredibly happy and content. I came late to the punk scene, and when I go to shows now, I am so jealous of these young kids who discovered this environment so early in their lives. I can’t imagine what it must be like at that age, and have found a community that shares your passion so outwardly.

I am so in love with feeling completely safe and engaged with ‘the masses’ and having that crowd screaming with fury at a society devoid of so much social justice. People screaming ‘I pledge allegiance to the world/ Searching for vision not invisibility / I pledge allegiance to the world / Nothing more, nothing less than my humanity’. And ‘searching not waiting / for our reaction / don't let them tell you What you cannot be / searching no longer / for our reaction / don't let them tell you who you cannot love’. For me, to be in such a charged environment, surrounded by smelly boys drenched in sweat and wearing hoodies despite the heat, and still be beaming from ear to ear, bouncing and around and screaming myself just blows my mind. I come home unable to hear, with sore feet from standing on my toes and energy flooding through me.  Just amazing.

So often I feel that people with more liberal or accepting views tend to disappear into the background because they try to be nice and don’t get in other people’s faces and demand to be heard. It gives me hope that there are still groups of people who feel passionately about issues that are important to me. It is cathartic for this meek girl who grew up trying to disappear to find herself screaming in a crowd and feeling joy in the aggression. Without the music, this aggression would make me uncomfortable, but when combined with the power of music, ‘broadcast me a joyful noise unto the times, lord’…

accelerate

I find myself at another curve in the path. I have two Masters degrees in subjects that I enjoyed studying, but after nearly 10 years I find myself yearning for something else. A lot of this ‘else’ would included more degrees and more studying, but until I discover a way to do that for free I need t find something other than that.

Being laid off has given me the opportunity to evaluate where I am in my life and make some decision with a deadline imposed. I have always been self reflective, but I tent o stay reflective and in my head rather than actively making change. For all my love of ambiguity and paradox, I get very anxious when my ‘future plan’ is undecided or in the hands of others. I’ve come to crave that control over what will happened next ever since I became the able to mo make those choices. I though I had a plan, but it is constantly revising itself. The universe has plans, and I’m trying to be accepting of uncertainty and wait for it to reveal itself this time.

When I think about this change, I don’t see it as a crossroads, because that seems to imply a total change—completely away from where I am now, and I don’t want that either. I’m looking for that branch on the tree that can bring me higher and closer to brightness and fresh air while still remaining connected to my trunk, roots, and other branches. I don’t know what branch I will end up traveling up, but I am in a place where I welcome the change even though it has been thrust upon me by outside forces.

But because I’m in a tree and not at a crossroads, whatever choices I make will be the right ones. I will continue moving upwards and outwards towards amore possibility-because it is all connected. I just need to relax and trust the supports I’ve got around me and prepare for what might come next: it’s time to fall another direction…

‘The vista I see now is changing
Uncertainty is suffocating…

No time to question the choices I make
I've got to fall in another direction.
Accelerate….’